Even the iron lady is defeated this time.

They do not believe in you. They couldnt believe I am being treated like this - dumped, ignored yet I still stood by. What is the difference between my old grandma and I? Her husband bit her but she never leave him. He didnt work hard all his life, in fact he was always drunk thru out his life, she worked, toilled to support the family. There's no difference, it's all because of FAITH. I have faith in you But you kept me disappointed.

I've told myself before that I shouldn't care about who make the 1st move. If I truly fall for this person, I shouldnt care the previlege that a girl should have. It's 21st century, girls can take up boys' role. But in their heads, no matter how the world changes, girls should be treated like princess. And they kept injecting this to my head that I shouldnt deprive a girl's gift.

I have my own life, own principles that they will never understand. I dont care how the world sees me. I believe I should strive for what I want, so that when I was defeated, I would have no regrets at least I tried. However, we cant clap with just a hand. No matter how hard one party tries, the tune just wouldnt sound.

There are many words that I want to sing. But I always think of the consequences that it brings, and what result I want it to give. Negatives effects, I'll just swallow all of them. Positive effects, I'll make them into a melody. But these days, I couldnt differentiate them anymore. Have I not been manage my own thoughts lately? or I havent been playing the organ for a long time that I've forgotten how beautiful a melody can be.

I know the other hand is working hard too, perhaps. As I always say, busy is the word for a better future. Perhaps neither you nor I see the effects now. But who are you and who am I to object his hardworking. Hence, I choose to be the one supporting what you do quietly.

P.S Sorry mama, if this broke your heart again. I couldnt always live up to your expectation, I have my own life too.

Same old SH*T happening again...

After so many years, the same old Sh*t happening again. I totally have confidence in you. Why do you want to say sth like that to shake my confidence. Well, I definitely understand that you just want to wake me up from this ignorance that I fall in.

I kept looking for reasons, excuses for you. I understand that we need time. We are both still young. We need time for our own. But they dont see it. They dont understand how we live.

All the sudden, their words recall some memories in the past. They are just being protective. They are just afraid I will be hurt again, waiting for something that will not blossom.

You shook me, scolding me that I should stop being silly again, said I should have learnt from the mistake. I am hurt that you dont see what I believe in. I am sad that I did not protect you enough. I am falling because I am falling deep and hard again.

Immatured 24s

Having letting the 1st class off early has made me wanna bang my head to the beancurd. How could I have been cheated by my students when there was still 15mins more?

The next class, I made them speak. Today is friday, the duration of the class is shortened from 2hrs to 1 and a half hr. After 45mins, the kids were complaining that they are tired. They wanted to be off early. Having listening to their trumpets for 3 consecutive days, I wouldnt tolerate this time. "You can leave after you found me, 20 synonyms for the word 'BIG'" Some of them started looking up the dictionary while I continue with the presentation of the rest of the students. One of the 24s "Teacher, I've finished." I walked to him "Are there 20 here? There are only 15" He said he cant. I walked off without speaking word. 15mins before class ends, while a 17yrs old Indonasian kid, found 20 but with 1 repeated, I asked him look for another one, the rest of the class was shouting it was time to go.

I said "I've been letting you off early for the past three days, cant you just co-operate with me just for once?" I could see some of them were shocked, 2 of them sneaked out and some of them nodded, one of them gave me a warm smile. I said "you either find me the 20 synonyms or you go to see Ms Adeline (the director of education) if you want to leave early"

By 6pm - "Class dismissed, thank you for your co-operation. See you next week." The afraid ones quickly came to explain they didnt know what the 20 words I asked them to look for and helped me to erase the board. The dramatic scene of the whole evening was the 24yrs old Iranian closed his book hardly and shouted "I've already found 20" while the 17yrs old Indon happily said "yeah, finally I found 20"

When I claimed you are just children to me, you claimed you are older than me? Which part of you show you are older? Your limbs? Com'on act like an adult, man...

I'm missing you...

It's fun spending hrs looking at you while you are working.
I love to be around you.
I know the work is tiring.
I know I shouldnt walk in on you, you need rest.
I know.

I'm working in a new environment.
It's just like going to a new school after a long holiday.
I'm afraid. Am an introvert, remember?
I know you want me to be strong.
Hence, I seek for courage from you.

I cant withdraw my eyes from you.
You are so adorable.
When you are here, nothing matters to me.

I make time to go see you, while I know I shouldnt be disturbing.
Behind the stubborness, I always feel guilty
For grabbing your rest time
But I just couldnt help
I'm obsess with you

Stronger or weaker

Stronger, You force me to...
Weaker, you make me to...

Because I know the only way to survive if I want to live with you, I have to be stronger. Meanwhile, you make me weaker, Uncertainties, flooded my mind. You are vague, you look uncertained. You seem to have many plans in mind, You wish to fly high. I'll just have to wait for the final decision...sentence...

A misinterpreted news

Well, I didnt know it was I or the wave of the fm isnt that strong at this area... I heard a man was killed at my mom's hometown...as it has been 12 hours we have not contacted each other, my heart, shrunk, and I started linking some silly stories in my mind. I couldnt make a phone call to confirm as I was afraid that "what if he's sleeping, I'd have woke him up with my own silly imagination." I couldnt check online, as I was busy preparing the test paper for my students and material for the class of the day. I left him a msg. "Baby...if you see this msg,pls reply..hugz"

I couldnt tell how hard it was to hold the fear, to hold the tears stay behind the eyes...It was really hard to teach with a happy face, I mean hyperactive face, as my students are all kids. I almost had a personality split. Looking at the mobile, hoping for a reply from him.

Suddenly the phone vibrated, it was him...It was HIM!!!! What a relief...

I'm grateful that he's fine as usual, laughing at my foolishness...

The 26th Dec

The day after christmas..the day was a bit depressed. Even the sky was holding its pressure, holding its tears. A few drops in the morning, forcing itself to smile in the afternoon. Finally, it eased a bit in the evening. But it still compressing its pressure.

I was a bit groomy this morning. Going to work with a grumpy face. The little ones asked me to make a wish out of the sudden, to entertain her, I really wrote my wish. She asked me to write 4 wishes. Everyone got to write 4. The end of the class, she said 'today is a busy day,' I asked 'why?' 'I need to buy all these presents for you.' I was shocked, was thinking 'is she serious? oh man, I shouldnt have written those wishes. Her mom will scold her for being crazy or silly' The devil side of me said 'I should have written something like books, or toys so that I get those presents' Anyway, her little move did make me smile a little. At noon, I couldnt hold the stress. And....

Then in the afternoon, there were 3 little cutties brought their own christmas CD, asking me to play the song for them and they want to fill in the missing words in the lyrics. As I was busy setting up the test paper, I let them do whatever they wanted. I sent a student home, he tried to show me his house. After I dropped him, he kept reminding me how's the route to get to his house.

In the evening, I rushed to a Christmas-year end-party. It was the happiest moment of the day when I got to meet my friends. Although the things we did were normal stuff, we laughed our lungs out. I'm grateful that I went to that party when my mind get a rest from the missing part in the mind and soul.