A snobbish person

I think she has too much freedom. To a person who has not been through a hard life could say that.

"你试下着住2寸高争鞋，9点企到7点半，由bangsar搭车搭到masjid jamek,行路出去再由masjid jamek搭车搭到salak selatan,无凳坐，由街灯未着到着，lrt行左7堂（8-15分钟一堂），德士走左16堂，如果你唔忍德既话，你无及格话我巴姿闭！"

A person who sometimes forgets to be grateful, A person blames her appearance because it is passed down from her father. You chose to walk that distance on those shoes, whom to blame if not yourself. You showed your sour face to everyone in the house. You judged and laughed at my remarks as if I'm was saying the most ridiculous thing in the world. Yes, I do not know how to judge a football game, I was saying to myself, at my home, WHO CARES if my comment is stupid. Kau tu berlagak sangat buat pe? I know you know a lot. You don't have to throw that on my face.

Doesn't Chinese school teach modesty? Doesn't Chinese school teach you respect your elders? Because our Malay school does. Where have you wasted our dad money on your tuition fee? Where have you chucked your lessons from school? Our father teaches us to respect, the same father as you have, but what have you learnt? I don't know. I only know, for your own sake, you could ignore all human kind, including your parents. Kau tu yang mengagung-agungkan penjaga you tu buat pe? Mak bapaku berpeluh-peluh,menjemu di bawah matahari tu bayar kepada 'mak' yang kau asyik menjunjungi tu. Kau tidak pernah nampak keadaan tu, lagi tidak pernah berdiri di sana mahupun seminit, tidaklah aku harap kau bayangkan. You have no sense of sympathy, appreciation, gratefulness.

Respect! When my friends came to our house, you acted cool like an iceberg. HELLO!!!! My friends don't owe you any money. When your friends came, did I put on my sour face? When my friend came, I asked you politely to give out your bed to my friend, so that my friend and I could share the same room. Apa hal dengan kau ni? Bilik kakak saya 10 kali baik daripada bilik kami, katilnya juga baik dan lembut. You refused. Have you gone any of your friend's house and stay over night your friend asked you to stay with their sisters? I haven't met yet. No matter how small the room is, all of use, mind you, ALL OF US, cramped in a room. I bet anyone would want to stay with their friend, the feeling of secure. I bet you are too protected. When your friend came, I offered the other half of our room to you and your friend. Because I know your friend would not want to share a room with someone she barely knows. You lack of consideration.

What more can I say? Sharing a room with you is tiring. You have mood swing. You know what I do to my friends who frequently have mood swing? I stay away from them. You said you want to stay away from negative-energy-generators, take a mirror, look into it, you are one of them too.

Lord, What should I do?

I miss this person so much that I dont even dare to call him and let him know. Neither do I dare, just to drop a message on his MSN. If you dont love me anymore, then why don't you tell that straight to my face. Why did you vegetablelize me, terminate me with this suffocation? I have never, never thought you are a cruel, cruel man. Every minute I tried to prove that I was wrong, but every second you try you wreck it. Just tell me what you want, and I will be disappeared.

“痴人说梦话”

你对每个人都系开心既，但就同我讲你好down。 唔知道几时开始我对你来讲是噪咶，是种烦恼。

你我是否等紧其中一方讲出口，做这个丑人，被挂上‘背叛对方的爱’这个名词。

唔知几时开始，我地唔再讲话，就算睇到对方都视如不见。

等待，等待时机，籍口，理由同你讲嘢。

亦都唔知道几时开始，同你讲嘢都惊烦到你。

佢地话我应该给你些许时间。

睇来我是唔应该打扰你，給你所需的安宁。

我净係唔想你一個人钻牛角尖，净係想陪伴你。

静静地，静静地陪伴你...

净係想每日令你开心，但是你觉得我好烦

我真是要由你一個？

It's a complete circle

The 1st month I came to this new place, I was assigned to teach level 8 & 9. I was the class teacher for level 8 and 2nd teacher for Level 9. It will be the same in next month.

It is a good news for me to teach level 9. Hopefully I'll have the same bach of lovely yet naughty students again. Although some of the students drive me up the wall, they are cute and I miss the class. I miss the student who always raised his hand and asked me to check his work. Asking me to why i didnt give him attention when other students interrupted his question. Students who always smiled and laughed at everything you said.

Today, I met a student who was from Level 8 in Feb. He asked me if I missed his class and him. He is still as naughty as the 1st time I saw him, cute as he always is.

What a coincidence, on the day I decided to leave, everything comes to as how it started

A uni Nanny

I thought leaving the language centre means I dont have to babysit any kids anymore. I didnt know, now I have to even babysit university students.

Today I have a new class, new students as it's a new term. I have a hyperactive student in my class. He's 25 but still acting like a kid, yeah, is the one who's famous for his line 'Teacher, why you no attention me?" When I glared at him to indicate him to be quiet, he pouted then walked to the back of the class.

The arabic students are afraid to be outshone by the iranians, so they made complaints at the office. Oh man, it was only the first day of class. And we were playing games. If you feel intimidated, try to outshine them.

In a way, it was my bad too. I should have controlled the class. It is my weakness. I dont know how to controll them, one of the students wrote in the feedback sheet.

I have to take care of their feelings. The weaker ones will annoy the strongers. I cant always wait till the weaker ones to fully understand the grammar rules. The good ones will be bored and annoyed, and yawned in front of me.

I always wonder how did Ms Evelyn do this? Balance the scale? Or were we too sane or are they insane? And they are too demanding. They seem will never understand there's no free lunch in this world. If you want to be promoted to a higher level, work hard. But 'hardworking' doesnt seem to appear in their lexicons.

Ended up we have to babysit them. To teach them from manner to grammar, then to a uni students who able to stand on their own feet.

Even the iron lady is defeated this time.

They do not believe in you. They couldnt believe I am being treated like this - dumped, ignored yet I still stood by. What is the difference between my old grandma and I? Her husband bit her but she never leave him. He didnt work hard all his life, in fact he was always drunk thru out his life, she worked, toilled to support the family. There's no difference, it's all because of FAITH. I have faith in you But you kept me disappointed.

I've told myself before that I shouldn't care about who make the 1st move. If I truly fall for this person, I shouldnt care the previlege that a girl should have. It's 21st century, girls can take up boys' role. But in their heads, no matter how the world changes, girls should be treated like princess. And they kept injecting this to my head that I shouldnt deprive a girl's gift.

I have my own life, own principles that they will never understand. I dont care how the world sees me. I believe I should strive for what I want, so that when I was defeated, I would have no regrets at least I tried. However, we cant clap with just a hand. No matter how hard one party tries, the tune just wouldnt sound.

There are many words that I want to sing. But I always think of the consequences that it brings, and what result I want it to give. Negatives effects, I'll just swallow all of them. Positive effects, I'll make them into a melody. But these days, I couldnt differentiate them anymore. Have I not been manage my own thoughts lately? or I havent been playing the organ for a long time that I've forgotten how beautiful a melody can be.

I know the other hand is working hard too, perhaps. As I always say, busy is the word for a better future. Perhaps neither you nor I see the effects now. But who are you and who am I to object his hardworking. Hence, I choose to be the one supporting what you do quietly.

P.S Sorry mama, if this broke your heart again. I couldnt always live up to your expectation, I have my own life too.

Same old SH*T happening again...

After so many years, the same old Sh*t happening again. I totally have confidence in you. Why do you want to say sth like that to shake my confidence. Well, I definitely understand that you just want to wake me up from this ignorance that I fall in.

I kept looking for reasons, excuses for you. I understand that we need time. We are both still young. We need time for our own. But they dont see it. They dont understand how we live.

All the sudden, their words recall some memories in the past. They are just being protective. They are just afraid I will be hurt again, waiting for something that will not blossom.

You shook me, scolding me that I should stop being silly again, said I should have learnt from the mistake. I am hurt that you dont see what I believe in. I am sad that I did not protect you enough. I am falling because I am falling deep and hard again.

Immatured 24s

Having letting the 1st class off early has made me wanna bang my head to the beancurd. How could I have been cheated by my students when there was still 15mins more?

The next class, I made them speak. Today is friday, the duration of the class is shortened from 2hrs to 1 and a half hr. After 45mins, the kids were complaining that they are tired. They wanted to be off early. Having listening to their trumpets for 3 consecutive days, I wouldnt tolerate this time. "You can leave after you found me, 20 synonyms for the word 'BIG'" Some of them started looking up the dictionary while I continue with the presentation of the rest of the students. One of the 24s "Teacher, I've finished." I walked to him "Are there 20 here? There are only 15" He said he cant. I walked off without speaking word. 15mins before class ends, while a 17yrs old Indonasian kid, found 20 but with 1 repeated, I asked him look for another one, the rest of the class was shouting it was time to go.

I said "I've been letting you off early for the past three days, cant you just co-operate with me just for once?" I could see some of them were shocked, 2 of them sneaked out and some of them nodded, one of them gave me a warm smile. I said "you either find me the 20 synonyms or you go to see Ms Adeline (the director of education) if you want to leave early"

By 6pm - "Class dismissed, thank you for your co-operation. See you next week." The afraid ones quickly came to explain they didnt know what the 20 words I asked them to look for and helped me to erase the board. The dramatic scene of the whole evening was the 24yrs old Iranian closed his book hardly and shouted "I've already found 20" while the 17yrs old Indon happily said "yeah, finally I found 20"

When I claimed you are just children to me, you claimed you are older than me? Which part of you show you are older? Your limbs? Com'on act like an adult, man...

I'm missing you...

It's fun spending hrs looking at you while you are working.
I love to be around you.
I know the work is tiring.
I know I shouldnt walk in on you, you need rest.
I know.

I'm working in a new environment.
It's just like going to a new school after a long holiday.
I'm afraid. Am an introvert, remember?
I know you want me to be strong.
Hence, I seek for courage from you.

I cant withdraw my eyes from you.
You are so adorable.
When you are here, nothing matters to me.

I make time to go see you, while I know I shouldnt be disturbing.
Behind the stubborness, I always feel guilty
For grabbing your rest time
But I just couldnt help
I'm obsess with you

Stronger or weaker

Stronger, You force me to...
Weaker, you make me to...

Because I know the only way to survive if I want to live with you, I have to be stronger. Meanwhile, you make me weaker, Uncertainties, flooded my mind. You are vague, you look uncertained. You seem to have many plans in mind, You wish to fly high. I'll just have to wait for the final decision...sentence...

A misinterpreted news

Well, I didnt know it was I or the wave of the fm isnt that strong at this area... I heard a man was killed at my mom's hometown...as it has been 12 hours we have not contacted each other, my heart, shrunk, and I started linking some silly stories in my mind. I couldnt make a phone call to confirm as I was afraid that "what if he's sleeping, I'd have woke him up with my own silly imagination." I couldnt check online, as I was busy preparing the test paper for my students and material for the class of the day. I left him a msg. "Baby...if you see this msg,pls reply..hugz"

I couldnt tell how hard it was to hold the fear, to hold the tears stay behind the eyes...It was really hard to teach with a happy face, I mean hyperactive face, as my students are all kids. I almost had a personality split. Looking at the mobile, hoping for a reply from him.

Suddenly the phone vibrated, it was him...It was HIM!!!! What a relief...

I'm grateful that he's fine as usual, laughing at my foolishness...

The 26th Dec

The day after christmas..the day was a bit depressed. Even the sky was holding its pressure, holding its tears. A few drops in the morning, forcing itself to smile in the afternoon. Finally, it eased a bit in the evening. But it still compressing its pressure.

I was a bit groomy this morning. Going to work with a grumpy face. The little ones asked me to make a wish out of the sudden, to entertain her, I really wrote my wish. She asked me to write 4 wishes. Everyone got to write 4. The end of the class, she said 'today is a busy day,' I asked 'why?' 'I need to buy all these presents for you.' I was shocked, was thinking 'is she serious? oh man, I shouldnt have written those wishes. Her mom will scold her for being crazy or silly' The devil side of me said 'I should have written something like books, or toys so that I get those presents' Anyway, her little move did make me smile a little. At noon, I couldnt hold the stress. And....

Then in the afternoon, there were 3 little cutties brought their own christmas CD, asking me to play the song for them and they want to fill in the missing words in the lyrics. As I was busy setting up the test paper, I let them do whatever they wanted. I sent a student home, he tried to show me his house. After I dropped him, he kept reminding me how's the route to get to his house.

In the evening, I rushed to a Christmas-year end-party. It was the happiest moment of the day when I got to meet my friends. Although the things we did were normal stuff, we laughed our lungs out. I'm grateful that I went to that party when my mind get a rest from the missing part in the mind and soul.

A Crying Baby

I have never thought my existence will be a trouble to you...
that you have to go deal all the hardship I put you through, that you have to accept all the sneers that they gave you....all the blames they pin on you...

I have never thought my sudden visit would be an annoyance to you...
that you have to stop whatever you are doing in order to entertain me, that you have to accompany me till my business is done, that you have to sacrifice your precious hours on me...

There are lots more things that I have never thought of...
that I need you so much, that you are what I treasure most, you are what I believe in...

To hope or not to hope

When you are very in love with s1,you would want to spend 24-7 with that person...You would even want to create a heaven of you two together....and you would say 'I want to be with you for the rest of my life'...that's why you both made a move and proceeded, and you both gave each other a wonderful gift HE gave you...

However, Life is always unpredictable. This second you are deep in love with her, the next second you might be crazy over him...so what does the vow that you made suppose to mean, which you said you want to buit a heaven and walk the path with that person?

I totally understand, everything that was said while the two persons were in fire WAS true, but the promise was only 'valid' for that time being...No one can guarantee any1 could be together forever...I know that very well...yet I still feel sad what is wished for, cant be realized..

So is not making any promises the good way to keep a relationship goes on, as there's no disappoinment if there isnt a hope? Not to me... I will still hope... if there isnt a hope, our life will be like the water flows in the river, we doesnt know where it will go, where it will stop at or when it will stop flowing. And is it because we try to take control over it and we want to mould the future that we are thrown by some visible and invisible problems?

Some ppl always say when we come we come alone, with nothing, so when we go bk we go back alone and with nothing too...dont try to own so many thing in life...live a simple life...

p.s any1 if wanna shoot me...just feel free to shoot...

life is filled with sad things lately...

o que significa

o que significa quando as coisas não começ melhor do que antes?

quando se não ousar mesmo dizer a seus amigos que está em um relacionamento?
a única explanação que você se deu é... ele é tímida

quando tiver muitas borboletas cerca-o...e está feliz? e é orgulhoso dele?
a única razão que você se deu é... você é afortunada que você é esse escolhe

quando flertar abertamente...
tudo que você pode fazer é somente relógio e olhar fixo...quietamente...

e a suas altas respostas?
tudo que você poderia fazer é pode somente fechar um olho e abrir um olho...

que ele todos os meios quando você puder somente manter o silêncio, for ignorante, engole todo seu descontentamento? quando você actuou autístico outra vez?
você foi insano…

somos pesarosos

It's complicated

The relationship of all things in life is complicated from the beginning.

It's hard, from the starts, I know when I decided to make the move.
It's going to be hard, I know when I took up the role.
There'll be lots of questions, I'll drown,
I know, and I should be prepared.
We will be fine, that's what I hope.
We will be great, that's what I wish.

Basically, I dont know what I want to blog... there are so much things I wanna say but I dont know how to put them in sentence. There are so much doubts I wanna make clear of, but I dont know where to start. There are so many questions I wanna ask, but I dont know who to ask. There are so many empty places I should fill with a full-stop, but I dont know why I should stop. There are many times I wanna run away, but I dont know Why I should run, Where I should hide, Who exactly I wanna run away from and What should I do after running away.

and that's why, am still stucked here, cracking my head, crying in the pillow for a reason. Or no reason.

이것은 생활이다...그리고 이것은 복잡합니다...

compression

s1 reached my limit...

sitting in some kind of direct sales meeting, bored to the max and it's killing me...I know it's rude to sms while sby giving a speech, coz what i showed i didnt respect the speaker. I do not need any1 of you to remind me of that, i know it very well coz i used to give speech every week.

However, I couldnt stop myself from not doing that. I needed to divert my frustration and transform my impatience to other form of energy, so that i would not walk off when s1 is sharing his or her achievement of the month on the stage. That would be even rude, if I did that. I sat quietly, kept reminding myself that take it as another usual toastmaster meeting at uni. And, I managed to sit till the last minute of the meeting.

It was suppose to be a happy meeting, where every1 celebrated their fellow colleagues's success. And I was supposed to cherish with my two other old friends, who hav achieved their goal in the business. I am happy for them.

I know they like this business so much, I know you see your future in it. I will not stop you from pursuing your dream, but do not force me to pursue the dream that you long for as it is not my dream. I appreciate the energy and the motivation you have, I will borrow them to build my career too, but do not force me to use those positive energy to do something that I do not like...and made me sat in the test of testing my patience, that was the most painful part of knowing you...

the lesson of talking in life...

Some people just wanna talk...communication allows us to exchange information...

in order to communicate they could talk bad about ppl...as an information to exchange with other, just to get a change to speak to that person...

Some people, would just talk something which doesnt make a point, coz they just wanna talk, to feel their existence..

Some people just want to share their joy and they talk like a chatterbox, but they do not realize what they said hurt you... and finally they found out what they said was stupid...

Sometimes it is annoying that when you have to listen to all the things that they had to say, but we need s1 who talk like these in life, so that the things, that we want the world knows but which we do not feel like talking bout it, is spread...And sth we need and are supposed to know will reach our eardrums... It's contradicting I know...

But lately I just feel I hav had enough of all these, when s1 trying to prove the existence of oneself keeps talking like a fly... stop making anymore 'noise', you fly!!!!!!!!! you got 'mouth - diarrhoea'???!!!!

*piak~~~~~

slipping away...

I wonder what was I doing,
Doing nothing, looking at everyone grabbing their chance...
I stood there, letting my chance slipping away...

I should have looked for it,
Should have grabbed it...
And I could have just done the same thing as others
But I just let it slipped away...

It's the 1st time I feel the word 'sorry'
is never enough...
Coz I cant turn back the time,
Something that I would regret
And I made them regret
Coz I just let it go like this...
Something that we had waited so long.

Back to be with you - counting down

There were times when I miss you so much, I wanted to rush to the airport and buy a ticket bk home.
There were times I miss you so much that I wanted to cry when I think of you...
Although am going bk in a week, the nearer the days are...more impatient I am...crazier I get...
Never thought to be apart is this hard...
I wanna tell you - 'I dont want to be away from you for this long...I cant stand the feeling of missing me...they are 'eating' me bits by bits...'